Feeling blah…

Tonight I was feeling a little blah. Ever have a moment like that? Those feelings of discouragement trying to creep in. Well that was me. I sat here alone studying and I started asking God, “Am I doing what you want from me? Am I truly doing my part? Because seriously God, I don’t know anymore.” I was starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, things haven’t progressed as I believe they should because I am not doing enough.  Ironically earlier this morning, I posted a blog about being that encouraging person to others and here I was lacking encouragement.  

I started wondering, “Am I making a difference? Am I impacting anyone’s life?”  I sat here just in a blah mood trying to read this book.  About being a quitter!  Another irony here.  5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz.  I started thinking of all the things I had quit and most recently quit.  My job.  Yes, when I left it started because I was overwhelmed and dealing with anxiety.  But months before, I had made a promise to God. If God would change my circumstance and take me from my job I would stay home and put all my focus in my books, bible study guide writing and teaching and blogging.  I made a vow to God and when I quit my job I dedicated all my time to working for Him.  But tonight I felt like something was missing.  Why does it feel as if I’m not moving forward?  Or impacting lives?  

So I did what I do best. I got busy in the kitchen just cooking away.  Before I knew it, my house was full of chatter and the busyness of our typical Sunday night back to work and school preparations for everyone.  The house was full again.  We sat down and enjoyed the comfort foods I had prepared. Because when you’re feeling all blah you NEED comfort foods or a big slice of chocolate cake. And cake I didn’t have.  There’s nothing like chicken pot pie, mac n cheese and mashed potatoes to soothe the soul and my feelings of blahness.  If that’s even a word.  For tonight, it will be.  I ate, in all my blahness and tried hiding through a smile and chatter,  the ache in my spirit.  Dinner was over and one by one the family disbursed into their own habitats. 

My middle son Matt had injured himself earlier while playing basketball and hobbled around with a swollen ankle.  Of course refusing any kind of assistance.  He’s 21.  He’s got this!  Right?!  So Matt hobbles to the kitchen to grab his lunch for tomorrow while I sat with Rene in the livingroom reading my book.  Matt starts talking to me about how God speaks to him differently than how He speaks to me.  He says, “Mom, God doesn’t whisper in my ears like He does you. God gives me physical signs.  Like, He makes sure He gets my attention when I’m doing something wrong.”  I was in awe.  First, my 21 year old is talking to me about his experiences with God speaking to him. Second, he was sharing his relationship with God with us.  21 year olds typically want to talk about a million other things. So I sat here proud listening. I was all ears.  Mind you inside feeling blah still. Matt went on and out of nowhere says, “Mom I wouldn’t be the way I am today had it not been for you.  You have no idea how much dad, I and my brothers all listen to you.  We may not show it. But we do.  You impact our lives and others too.  Mom. Becuase of you I have a relationship with God.  You are changing all of us. And people on social media.”  Matt went on and on and my eyes just filled with tears as they streamed down my face.  

God knew what I was feeling. He knew I needed those words of encouragement.  God spoke through my son.  God showed me tonight that although I may not see progress, everyday progress is being made.  I just didn’t realize it or see it.  I was too busy looking for the big picture. The big steps of progress.  But missing all the tiny steps forward I have been making.  

Sometimes that discouragement will lead us to wanting to quit.  I was pushing away those thoughts of quitting.  I love what I do. But what I need to practice more is patience.  God’s not on my time. I’m on His. I know God hasn’t brought me this far so that I could just quit.  The enemy looks for those moments of weakness to fill our thoughts with discouragement.  The enemy starts toying with our emotions in hopes to get us to just give up.  How could I give up?  My son flat out told me how much I have impacted his life. Isn’t that what we always want to hear from our kids?  To know they are following the good we show them and applying it in their lives.  The enemy may have thought he had a shot at breaking me but God stepped in with encouraging words to lift me up when I read his word or like today when my son spoke.  

My dear friends, don’t allow the enemy to steal your joy and your dreams.  The enemy will try and stop you when he starts to fear you.   Yes, he fears us when he knows we are on the verge of something incredible that gives God all the glory.  Keep going my friends.  Don’t quit now.  It’s about to get even better.  You’ll see.  

XOXO…Ileen

psst…God Loves You

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